My (28F) boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) are going on a week-long vacation. They uninvited me.
Jonathan|Aug. 11, 2019
My boyfriend wanted to go on a vacation this summer to his mom's friends' house in Hawaii with me and his two best friends (25M and 29F). We had been planning on this all spring, and at some point, 25M dropped out of the trip, leaving just the three of us.
For context, my boyfriend and I have been going out since November, and it's been serious. We had (and still have) been talking about moving in together and he has said, and I agree, that this is a long-term situation and that we are in it for good.
In early June, once 25M unexpectedly dropped out of the trip, 29F called my boyfriend and told him that now that it was just the three of us, she didn't feel comfortable with me going on the trip, since she didn't know me that well and she didn't want to be a third wheel. She said that if I were to go, she wouldn't go on the trip. Without telling me that this was happening, they changed the plans and made it a trip just the two of them and they changed the location to a beach in Costa Rica.
I was trying to figure out when to ask for time off this summer and hadn't heard news about the plans, so I asked my boyfriend which week in August I should be setting aside for the Hawaii trip. He let me know that, actually, he had talked to his friend and that she didn't want to go if I were going, so he was going to go alone with her to Costa Rica. He said that we could go another week later maybe to Mexico City or something.
I was upset, and tried to talk with him about how the situation made me feel, especially since this wasn't a case of a separate trip being set up ahead of time -- this was a case of me being invited and then uninvited from a week-long tropical vacation with a girl friend of his who I had never met before. We eventually decided to do a trip together to Copenhagen, which we have both wanted to visit, as some sort of compensation. I also asked to meet her, so that I could feel more comfortable with the trip.
We spent the 4th of July going to see her and her boyfriend in the city where they live, and although it was nice to put a face to a name, it was ultimately a very cold trip and she was not at all welcoming to me. My boyfriend remarked on how unfriendly she was -- to both of us, he thought -- and said that he was surprised that she didn't act warmly to me. I went out of my way to try get to know her and her boyfriend (I'm very outgoing and friendly and usually this would be easy), but it didn't really click, even after several days. They were somewhat cold to each other as well -- they bickered a little bit about their future and his own 3 week trip without her that was scheduled for the same time as their trip (this had been scheduled before ours had).
This had been my effort to feel better about the trip, so I told my boyfriend that I still didn't feel comfortable with things, and that I was feeling insulted by the way that it was handled. I had tried to make things smooth between all of us, and I asked him to please come up with something that could help me feel better about the trip.
On a visit to his family, they asked about the trip and they were all shocked that he would have arranged it this way, and let me know that they would have been furious if they were in my position, which triggered a fight in which I asked him to please help come up with a strategy to make me feel better and more secure about them going together without me. He said that he would never do this kind of thing again, which feels like not much to offer, since this is kind of a once in a lifetime trip to begin with. He kind of offered to not go on the trip, but he had already paid for the tickets and made arrangements and I didn't want to stop their trip and be resented by both him and his best friend.
He asked me to give him ideas of how to make me feel better and wanted me to just tell him what to do and stalled and stalled until it was finally the day of the trip. He bought me a bag of peanut butter cups and I drove the two of them to the airport.
I feel so disregarded and disrespected in this situation. I want to break up with him, but I don't want to burn up something that has otherwise been really good.
TL;DR - I (28F) was uninvited from a vacation with my boyfriend (29M) and his best friend (29F) and I can't get over it. I want advice on how to talk with him about this.
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