Difference in communication styles between husband (31M) and I (29F).
Chairman|Aug. 09, 2019
My husband and I have been married about 5 years, dated 2 years before that. Now that we have kids and full time jobs, stress levels have increased and I think it's being more obvious due to the different communication styles we have.
Husband is very analytical and logical. Likes lengthy discussions and emphasize on crystal clear communication. Me, I'm the type who enjoys company more than conversation.
Some examples of differences:
Husband requires everything to be well explained. Sometimes I refer to something that is within context, he doesn't like it and would rather I refer to it explicitly so there's absolutely no misunderstanding.
Husband doesn't like that I don't hold long conversations/ discussions. Personally I find it exhausting and sometimes I'm not even that interested. But he says that even if it's something I don't know about, I could still participate by asking general questions in line with 5W1H (who what where why when how). I try but as I said, it's exhausting. So he feels unfulfilled in this aspect of the relationship because he can't hold deep conversations with me most times (unless it's a rare topic I'm passionate about). I have been told I don't respond enough (too many "mm hmm"s)
Some personal issues: I think I get really defensive when he tries to talk to me about something I've done wrong. My take is that we're adults, I don't need a talking to like I'm a child. I admit I also have an issue with saying sorry. I tend to need time to process and get over the initial defensiveness, whereas he wants an apology on the spot. I mix in emotion and take things too personally. I think it's some sort of PTSD (term used lightly) from my mum who never says anything nice but criticises me all the time. I also tend to space out. Sometimes I'm in my own world and don't even realise he's talking to me, so it seems like I'm ignoring him. I have been trying to pay more attention to him and respond more appropriately recently but there have been slip ups like when Im quite exhausted and focused on eating and he wants to have a conversation, and then he gets upset.
Whenever we talk about things, I feel trapped. I feel like I'm about to step on a mine of one of his pet peeves (do or say something wrong). I end up getting nervous and defensive and reply even less, trying to avoid doing more wrong. And it ends with him getting upset and discouraged to talk to me. I've taken steps to improve conversation by asking according to 5W1H, and trying to put thought and effort into hearing what he's saying and responding appropriately. But I keep slipping up especially when I'm extra tired.
TLDR: My question is: any online resources or tips for me to improve my listening/ answering skills? I recognize it's a killjoy to talk to someone who's responding halfheartedly and truly want to take steps to improve that.
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