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Two Lunatics And A Bear Rush To Defend Alaska After Schiff Says Trump Might Give The State To Putin [Satire]


Feb. 04, 2020

The following is satirical.
The two sides are making their closing arguments in the impeachment of Donald Trump for whatever the hell they’re accusing him of this time.
Acting for the prosecution, Congressman Adam Schiff told the Senate that if Trump were not removed from office, “he could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support in the next election or decide to move to Mar-a-Lago permanently and leave Jared Kushner to run the country, delegating to him the decision whether they go to war.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan you rambunctious, irrepressible dispenser of delight and hilarity, where do you come up with your zany satirical ideas? And how do you keep your skin so soft and beautiful?”
But no, the truth is: those are actually Adam Schiff’s exact words. He actually said if Trump wasn’t convicted, he might give Alaska to the Russians.
As Schiff’s words spread around the country, patriots rushed to the Alaskan border to defend the state from being handed over to Putin. These were just brave, ordinary Alaskans, including a guy who moved up there to escape the upcoming invasion of Earth by the planet Kleptar, a Japanese soldier from World War II who hadn’t heard the big news about Hiroshima and a black bear who thought Adam Schiff said Trump would be giving away salmon because, being only a bear, he couldn’t imagine someone would say anything as idiotic as what Schiff actually said.
Embarrassed to be called out by one of the lower mammals, Schiff later admitted he had meant to say that if Trump was not removed from office he might give Putin a Baked Alaska in return for support in the next election, although Schiff acknowledged Trump might not need Russian support in the next election given all the new jobs and stuff.
Meanwhile, Jared Kushner, hearing Schiff’s remarks, did in fact declare war on Mar-a-Lago but his invasion was turned back when a volley of golf balls dented his Lincoln Town Car.
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