I (27F) am having some tension with my boyfriend's (30M) roommate (30’s? M), can I have some advice on how to handle this?
Feb. 11, 2020
Throwaway just in case. Sorry if this gets long!
Boyfriend and I have a great relationship and have been together over 1 year.
My boyfriend lives in a city, and I live an hour away (with my parents to save some money). I visit him often, and I also work a couple days a week in the city he lives in. He has a roommate who has lived with him for a while.
My boyfriend owns the house.
Eventually, my boyfriend and I want to live together (at his house). I have been looking for full-time work in that city for quite a number of years, without luck because I work in a competitive field. Regardless, eventually we want to live together, even if it means I have to commute for a few more years before getting a full time position.
However, I am not in any big rush to move in with him. In my last relationship, I moved in with a guy very quickly (before I was ready), and it was a very toxic and unhealthy relationship. He pressured me to move in before I was ready, and was emotionally abusive throughout the relationship. It took me a while to get the courage to leave the abuse. So, I am taking my time with this relationship and we are moving slowly. I am thankful my BF is respectful that I want to move slowly with moving in.
Because I work in his city a few times a week, I stay at his house, cook us meals, shower there, etc. I am respectful of the space and make sure I clean up after myself. I don’t have anything stored there, just a few makeup items, shampoo, soap, and a few snacks I like. Also coffee because my BF doesn’t drink it.
My boyfriend has talked to his roommate about me potentially moving in (no specified time, maybe before the end of the year), and if he could maybe start exploring other living situations. Again, no rush because I plan on living with my parents for a while anyway.
It is my understanding that the roommate is aware that he won’t be living there forever, and agreed to that when he moved in with my BF.
Yesterday, we were having my bf’s parents over for dinner and I was going to be doing the majority of the cooking. They live nearby, and have cooked for us the past several weeks, and we wanted to repay the favor. As I came in the door with a few groceries, I noticed his roommate was batch cooking for the week. There was a lot of ingredients out, and pots on the stove, so I asked how long he thought he would be using the kitchen, and said we are cooking for parents tonight.
He got really upset and packed up his ingredients, and said something like since I'm kicking him out of the house, he may as well not use the kitchen tonight. Something like, “since you’re kicking me out of the house, what’s one more room to kick me out of?”
He went in his room and texted my boyfriend "I am signing for a house soon, tell your girlfriend she is making it very clear she doesn't want me around.” I saw this text come through on my boyfriend’s home screen.
After a few minutes, I knocked on his door and asked if we could talk. I said I didn't mean to push him out of the kitchen, I was just trying to coordinate the space so we could both use it. I even offered to re-arrange my plans and get takeout for parents, or cook for them at their house instead. He said he was too tired/not in the mood to have this conversation right now.
Since then, he's been really friendly to my bf but basically ignoring me and being a bit cold.
I want to know how to handle this respectfully and not upset anyone further. I hate drama and I feel like now I'm a burden in my boyfriend’s house.
I thought I had a great relationship with his roommate, we often joked and caught up when I would see him in the common areas.
When I talked to my BF, he said that his roommate sometimes says things without thinking and wanted to use the kitchen without having to clean up his mess after, for anyone else to use it. He told me not to worry about it and said his roommate was just having a bad day and took it out on me.
How can I improve on how I handled this? How do I handle negative feelings in my boyfriend’s house when I visit moving forward?
TLDR: Boyfriends roommate got really upset and passive aggressive with me when I tried to coordinate the kitchen. How do I handle this respectfully and prevent any drama?
Peter Crouch slams Tottenham boss Jose Mourinho’s ‘negative’ and ‘demoralising’ tactics after Chelsea lossHow I grew my hair back with eggs after suffering from total baldness in less than 2 weeks.Safaricom in talks to form a consortium ahead of Ethiopia bidThis concept Adidas ad is ingeniously simpleLarry Tesler, Scientist behind cut, copy and paste In Computer dies at 74