I (F23) think I need to break up with boyfriend (M26) because of his hygiene and appearance. We’ve been dating since September of last year.
Dec. 01, 2019
This is my first post here, hopefully I follow the rules correctly. So I have been trying to make our relationship work despite hygiene and appearance issues, but I don’t think it is working. His living situation is not ideal, it is a small place shared by a dirty roommate. There are some things he can’t change about the place unless he moves, but he basically lets the place get filthy until I say something. Piles of clothes everywhere, dead and live roaches( live come out at night), very dirty floor (caused by the dirt outside, but must be maintained) that he doesn’t clean with enough frequency, trash cans always overflowing unless I say something. When we began dating he would let his large dog he did not bathe which was covered in fleas sleep in the bed with us. I got him to stop that a while ago but the fact that it only stopped after I complained of getting bit several times still bothers me. He gotten better about cleaning but still lets things get disgusting before he cleans. So it’s better than when we started, but my biggest thing right now is his appearance and hygiene. His dental hygiene is very bad and he desperately needs to go to the dentist but hasn’t. He has visible plague and I’ve noticed and commented several times on the fact that he will leave the house/ kiss me after not brushing or only using mouthwash. He does shower everyday so that’s not a problem but his house clothes he will put on after a shower are usually being worn for weeks and will smell like fart. Majority of his clothes are old, stained, have holes, and he wears old ratty flip flops whenever possible. I will dress nice or even just casually and he will look close to homelessness when we are going out. I have to remind him all the time when he needs a haircut which makes me feel controlling and abusive. His hair is very curly and fluffy so if it is not maintained he looks homeless. Other people including at work will comment on it for a week and he then he finally does it. He used to do it himself and would cut it in such a way to where it would age him (not exaggerating) 15/20 years in a bad way. Whether he would go and get it cut or do it himself he would still wait until it was a mess to do anything about it. There is a lot more but I feel I’ve gone on and on. I’ve tried many different ways to try to combat the issue. I’ve asked if it was mental health which he’s said contributes, but this is all the time. I’ve tried buying him new clothes and gently pointing out why the others were not acceptable. I’ve tried explaining that I wish he wanted to put in effort for me the way I do for him and that it makes me upset that He doesn’t. I’ve tried cleaning with him and without him but he won’t do it if I don’t say anything. I love him and he wonderful otherwise, but this is a deal breaker. I’ve seen advise say that this is an attempt to change someone that doesn’t want to be changed and I’m wondering if that is what this is. This situation makes me feel controlling and I don’t want to be like that. So do y’all think this is incompatibility and that I have tried what I can/ do y’all think there is something else I can do, etc.
TLDR: boyfriend neglect appearance and hygiene of living space and self. I’ve tried different ways to work with him but nothing seems to stick. Should I chalk it up to incompatibility and move on?