How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? How much fighting is normal in a "rough patch"?
Nov. 30, 2019
I've (21F) been with my SO (23M) for almost two years, and this is my first big relationship. I've never dated anyone for longer than a few months before this. My parents are divorced, and I don't have a lot of extended family, so I haven't had direct exposure to a long, healthy relationship growing up, so I don't know what the benchmarks for good, bad, healthy, and unhealthy are in relationships, other than what I've read online and in magazines and asked friends.
I love my boyfriend a lot, and he loves me a lot too, I don't doubt this at all. But, we've had a lot of rough patches in our relationship in the 22 months we've been together where we've gone on breaks for a week a few times, we've had disagreements and issues with each other's behaviour that took months to resolve, etc., but we do always work through our issues, or maybe moreso muscle through them. We went LDR a few months ago when he went back to university (I'm not in school anymore), and we've had some consistent issues since then. I want to say we fight, mostly over text (I know, it's a terrible habit and we're working on it, but the LDR aspect has made it difficult), about two or three times a week. They're not typically huge blowups, and they're resolved within an hour or so, but sometimes they can get pretty big (I'd say like once a month). We just got into a HUGE blowup this morning that surrounded the same issues as our disagreements for the past few months have been about, and I'm feeling so discouraged that we're going to be able to work through this, or if we've even been taking the right approaches about our disagreements.
Redditors that have are experienced in *~*~matters of the heart~*~*, do you have any advice for figuring out how much fighting is too much fighting that a relationship isn't healthy or worth continuing? How do you know when you should keep a relationship going versus breaking up? Any advice is very welcome, whether it's abstract, or advice directly relating to my situation, or an anecdote or story of a personal or general relationship that might be helpful... Anything helps, I just want some insight into whether my relationship is one that's healthy, or if it's more along the lines of "just because two people love each other doesn't mean they should be together." I know that relationships are work, but I also love my SO (and myself!), and want to make sure that we're doing what's best for the both of us, and not being too shortsighted.
Other info that might be important: we have a decent amount in common but enough not in common that I find it keeps our relationship interesting; problems in the relationship have mostly surrounded one of us (interchangeably) not feeling cared enough about or feeling like one of us is pulling too much weight; we've been pretty consistently working on bettering our communications skills throughout our relationship; neither of us is a cheater or a philanderer in any way, but my SO does have jealousy issues stemming from a past relationship where he was cheated on a LOT, but we've mostly tackled that through communication; we've both approached the relationship from the get-go as being in it for the long haul, which on one hand has been really amazing for trust, but on the other hand it does concern me a bit as we're both in our early twenties and I want to make sure that we both don't feel held back from carving out our own places in the world as young adults.
A HUGE thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to comment. It means a LOT. <3
TL;DR I'm not sure how to tell when or if it's time to pull the plug on my relationship, which is a happy relationship when we're not fighting, but we fight multiple times a week.