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I [29m] am thinking of leaving my chronically ill partner [30f]

Gift masha

Nov. 03, 2019

This is hard to write. I've been with my partner for 5 years now. She has a chronic illness which she has had for 9 years now (since before we got together). I won't go much into the illness suffice to say that is has a very significant impact on our life together. She is unable to work, and most days unable to leave the house. She is very isolated and most of our friends are people she meets through me. She does have other friends from before she was sick but they don't get in contact much these days.
Although it's been hard and sad to see her struggle every day we have had a really great time together and have built a semblance of a life. I've been trying to be strong for her during this time and have taken on a considerable amount of responsibility. I take care of majority of day to day tasks around the house and I am the sole income provider (which isn't much as I'm still completing postgraduate studies). We're living paycheck to paycheck and are not making much progress medically as the costs of treatments and tests are very expensive (mainly symptom management as there is no known cure at present). She gets a small pension but it doesn't go very far. We also lack intimacy (she rarely has the energy) which is hard.
I think recently I've just run out of strength. I was away for the last month and a half doing remote work (I was working in a remote wilderness setting). I had some great people around me and we had such an amazing time. The last week of my trip it hit me that I was going home. And suddenly I felt incredibly depressed. It didn't come from no where as I have felt a sadness in me almost constantly for the last few years about our situation. But this time it came out big time. I was a sobbing mess for almost the rest of the week. I've never ever felt so low. The people around were great and supportive and we talked over a lot of things which helped but it didn't really fix anything.
I'm home now and I've talked about it with her. How hard it's been (this isn't the first time we've talked about our issues). We're trying new things to make the relationship work again and to bring us to a place where we're both happy. But I just don't know if it will. I really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't have it in my anymore. I love her, but I just don't see a future with her where I can be happy.
I've spoken to people close to me about how I've been thinking about leaving and they say I need to do what will make me happy. I know they're right but it would be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She is a wonderful person but her greatest fear is not being enough. This would be traumatic for her. She also doesn't have a good support network around her besides me. I would make sure she is okay if it came to leaving and get her up to her parents (they live far away) for a time and make sure someone is checking on her.
I don't really know what advice I want but I needed to get this off my chest. I'm longing so much to live life and this is forever holding us back. It's selfish I know. But the truth is I'm just so depressed and I feel like I've run out of solutions. If I could wave a magic wand and we would be happy I would do it. But we've tried so many times to move through it and I always find ourselves back in this dark place with no way out. I am so drained and so tired and really have very little left that I feel I can give.
TLDR: I am thinking of leaving my chronically ill partner. It has taken such a toll on my happiness and I am very depressed. I struggle to see a future where we will be happy.
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