My [29f] fiancé’s [33m] hygiene has gotten really bad over the years and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Oct. 08, 2019
Throwaway account, my fiancé doesn’t use reddit, but we have plenty of mutual friends that do so just in case...
We’ve been together for 5 years, have lived together for 4 and recently have gotten engaged. He’s the absolute love of my life, and I can’t even fathom my life without him... But Jesus fucking Christ he’s really let his hygiene go in the last year or so and I’m at my wits end.
A bit of background on him. He’s never been the cleanest person by any means, he works in a shop and he gets pretty dirty throughout the day, which had never bothered me because he at least showered every night. He’s never cared too much about his appearance, but he at least did the bare minimum to not look like a slob when we’d go out (and tbh I’m not always wanting to get super dressed up when we go out so it never bothered me), and when I did dress up he’d try his best to match my efforts. The only problems we’d have before are if he’d get so focused on a shop project that he’d forget to shower, in which case I would just remind him and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Over the years I’ve also gifted him hygiene products that would make it easier for him to keep up with some of the more annoying stuff (nose hair trimmer, electric razor, all in one body washes etc.), which he’d used for a little and then forget about.
However this year things have taken a turn for the worst. He’s developed seborrheic dermatitis on his face which makes his facial hair smell horrible, and the condition worsens when he lets the hair grow out and he’s so bad at keeping up with shaving that it get’s super gross. He’s also been bad about showering daily lately (he says he showers when I’m at work, but the shower looks exactly how I’d left it after I’d bathe), his teeth are the same, I sometimes see a lot of caked on plaque, but now when I bring it up he gets really annoyed at me. Saying things along the lines of “If you can watch those gross pimple popper videos why does this bother you? You’re so selective on what you find gross!” (Guilty pleasure I know! But I can’t help it.)
To make matters worse, his sex drive is off the charts and mine is average? Which before I would just suck it up and have more sex than I personally wanted/needed, but with how bad his hygiene has gotten I don’t want to have sex at all! I’ve gotten into the habit of inviting him into my showers before bed just so I know he’s clean before we bang, but now he’s started telling me he showered that morning or some bs. When I’ve brought it up that sometimes he’s smelly, he just says like “when you’re dirty it doesn’t bother me” or something and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
He’s told me in the past that it brings his confidence down when I bring up the hygiene stuff, our sex life was a bit rocky before because of my previous relationship; sex was always painful. My body finally stopped associating bad pain with sex last year, but I’m afraid he’s thinking that when I bring up the hygiene stuff I’m just making up an excuse to not have sex like I used to do because it was painful. I’ve told him that’s not the case, and that I’m still very attracted to him, but I don’t think he believes me.
I could tell he was annoyed this weekend too. We didn’t have sex last night after coming home from a little trip up to a family friend’s cabin. We didn’t do it there because my parents were there and tbh the place was pretty run down and the shower was gross enough to where I didn’t even want to shower there (and I normally religiously shower before bed so that’s saying something). It was just for one night, and the first thing I did when we got home was shower, but I bet you can guess who didn’t want to join me! Which by my keeping track, he had last showered with me Thursday night and still hadn’t showered when he went to bed Sunday night. He wanted to have sex last night, but he smelled so bad that when I kissed him it made me feel nauseous. I didn’t know how to say that to him in a way that didn’t hurt him so I told him I wasn’t feeling well and we just went to bed.
I’m at work right now and I’m seriously hoping he bathes before I get home. What else can I do to convince him to take care of himself better without hurting him?
I apologize for my rambling, thank you all for your time.
tl;dr Fiancé is wonderful except for his declining hygiene and he gets annoyed/frustrated when I bring it up due to past issues with our sex life caused by me. How can I convince him to take care of himself better without hurting him?