My (26F) bisexual husband of three years (25M) wants to include men
Sept. 17, 2019
Sorry for rant..
My husband and I met six years ago. We've been together a little over four years, married three. We are both bisexual and both have had fulfilling same-sex relationships in the past, but both also consider ourselves monogamous. He takes great pride in being bi, I don't care as much nowadays since we come off as a straight couple and feel no need to talk about who I've had sex with in the past or could be potentially attracted to. We've always agreed on bisexuality meaning that we don't put stock in whether the love of our life happens to be a man or a woman, it's the person who matters to us. I only have eyes for my husband. However....
About half a year into our relationship he expressed doubts being "seen as straight" being with a woman long term and said that he will always see himself as "actively male-attracted" no matter if he's together with a woman or not. I found this hurtful but I know some bisexual people are very keen on being known as bi even if they are in straight or same-sex relationships due to erasure, and that time I shrugged it off and chalked it up to that. As a man, he'd had a worse time coming to terms with his sexuality than I had due to male gender norms, I thought, so no big deal, of course this is harder on him. Right?
Fast forward to three days ago. We've always had a rocky marriage but he's started seeing a therapist recently to work through his anger issues. Things have gotten so much better and we haven't fought at all for months, but that night he got really angry at me however, and started saying I was a lousy wife and that I try to control his life. He threw some of my books at a wall and said that if I stopped putting my things everywhere and started listening to him, he would finally be happy. I apologized and asked him how I could listen to him better and what he needed to talk to me about? He then said: "I can't tell you anything. I can't even ask you to open up this god damned marriage." I literally at first didn't understand what he meant. I was just shocked. It was the last thing on my mind. Then I asked him what he meant. "Well it's not like you have a d*ck is it? I love you but you can never give me everything I need."
After that I just broke down and cried. He's apologized and keeps saying he loves me and that it's just he's bi and I need to accept him for us to keep having a happy marriage. I'm going to stay with my sister for a while to figure things out but I don't know what to do. As a bi woman myself I really don't see how "bisexuality" could be cause for your partner not being enough. I keep thinking is he gay? Or is it that he just doesn't love me? He's everything to me, the one I want to grow old with. I spoke to a friend last night and she said I'm overreacting and said I'm bigoted. That "lots of people have happy polyamorous relationships". I'm sure they do but I'm not one of them. I don't want a polyamorous relationship, I want a two-person marriage, a union of two people in love meant to last for life. And I wanted that together with my husband.
I don't know what to do. What is up with my husband? What should I do? My family thinks I should divorce him but I love him.. Is this actually on me like he says? Or is it something else? I'm questioning everything about him right now even things like "has he ever been attracted to me??" and I know I'm being unfair, I'm just so sad. It feels like I've lost the ground under my feet.
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