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I(16F) feel heartbroken about/for my mother (42F)

Precious Oparah

Oct. 09, 2019

I posted this on another subreddit but as a rant and now I just kind of want advice or just anything to be honest, hope that's fine.
My mother had an operation around 2 years ago that was supposed to be a simple procedure but instead ended up paralyzing her head down.
It has been a long, hard journey but now she lives with us (my dad, brother etc) after spending so long in hospitals and care homes. My mother was always a very happy and lively person, she was the life of the party and I remember conversations with her about how she had always wanted to travel back to our country and visit her childhood home on her own or with her close friends. And I just want to cry knowing that she can't do that.
Her condition is similar to the character in the movie The Intouchables (or the Hollywood remake The Upside I guess). So it's very hard for her to even be in her wheelchair for say, more than 6 hours.
I just cannot imagine how she feels if I feel like this, she still is the light in my life and ever so happy and lively but I know that this must have been a huge change for her, she has always been an independent person (my parents are still together but you know).
Her look has also changed and it's harder for her to "dress up" which I know is important for her because my mum would be very glamorous and dress beautifully and have pretty makeup. But now she can't do it herself and gosh, my skills are terrible. I hope she still feels beautiful and I often think if maybe theres nearby spas or hair places that could one day doll her up, not saying she needs it but to make her feel like she can still do this like she did before.
However, the reason I felt the need to write this post is because today I had to help her carer put her into bed (have done this before) and it just hurt so much to see her lay there and smile at me when I know she probably felt awkward. As the carer was changing he into her clothes, she smiled at me but I quickly left the room and now I just feel so bad because she probably felt embarrassed and as if I'm disgusted at her or something but I'm not.
I just hate to see her like that because I just think about how hard it must be for her and I remember the time she sadly smiled and told me that she wouldn't see her grandkids and I was shocked and laughed it off like relax I have 10 years and a bit and you'll see my own family. But she just smiled and told me about how it was already hard for her now, and how could she endure it for 10 more years.
She still smiled at me which just shows how much of an amazing, happy and strong woman she is but what she said that day just stuck in my mind and I cry now just thinking about it.
TL;DR: My mum had a surgery gone wrong and is paralysed head down and I just don't know what to do about all of this, I don't want it to seem as if I pity my mother or I'm bothered by her as if she is a burden because she is not. She is my mother and I love her and admire her immensely but at the same time my heart hurts for her.
Thank you for reading
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